It is commonly recognized that grief is compromised of five stages: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. With denial, we experience disbelief. It does not matter if the passing is sudden or a result of a tragic and malingering illness. We cannot accept the pain experienced by our loss. We can also become angry with ourselves, forgetting that we are not omnipotent and could not have had any influence on the circumstances surrounding a loss.
As we grow on our spiritual path, we can develop a deeper understanding that in a lot of ways, we may have "contracted" on the time of our death before we chose to be reborn. If this applies to us, why not for our beloved dead as well? After all, they too were on a life long spiritual journey. As we explore spirituality on the deepest of levels, it is a common belief that we often travel lifetimes with the same familiar people and we select our life experiences before we are born. I personally have found this spiritual outlook the most useful in recovering from the anger stage of grief. Again, how we each experience anger is unique, as is its duration. The important thing is to heal at our own rate.
On another level, we may begin to ask God to finally lift the sorrow and seek ways in which this will be done for us. Ironically, many people choose to serve in a hospice and find it rewarding and healing to help the dying. Others may donate to organizations that do specific types of research. If there is any creative way you can begin to ease the pain, do so – even if it is just walking along a beach and breathing in the salty air. Remember, nobility is what is right for you and having suffered a loss, you deserve to heal using whatever tools you need to recover.
End your isolation when you are ready by reconnecting with family and friends. They can help your recover from your pain. But, remember although memories are painful for a long time, in time, these very same memories will become a well of joy. Even regret can be erased in time.
Depression is such an obvious result of personal loss, we might even wonder why it is listed. Depression is really connected with anger. Simply put, having no productive way to release anger, the anger then is turned inward. This creates depression. Depression can manifest itself as uncontrollable crying, feeling emotionally numb, and disinterest in life itself or any number of ways. One person may not be able to sleep while another cannot get enough sleep. These are all symptoms of depression.
Acceptance is the final stage. It is said mourning tapers off. Typically we simply accept the reality of the loss. Someone once told me "No one ever accepts a personal loss. We just adjust to it." I think this observation is the truth of what acceptance really is. It is adjusting. Loss is cutting, painful and life changing. I think adjusting describes the last stage of the grieving process best. I used to get angry with people who said I was doing so well or who would say, "Time heals all wounds" as if one day, I would not be affected by this personal loss experience. One is always affected. No one ever "gets over it". All some of us can hope for is adjustment, but many of us never achieve even this.
Going through grief is an extremely personal experience and the most important thing is to allow ourselves to progress through the stages of grief. If we do not, we can become locked within an indefinite time frame of despair, which our beloved dead would not want us to endure. Because grief is so taxing on the mind, body and spirit, it is very important to eat balanced meals, exercise and know when to rest.
When we think of grief, it is usual to assume the death of a beloved friend or family member, but don’t overlook the loss of a pet. People who lose pets very often do not receive the compassion others receive from a death. Pets offer unconditional love, companionship, entertainment and purpose to people’s lives. Many may find it hard to believe that there are people who lose a pet that never recover from the loss. I myself have taken years to recover from the loss of a pet. The relationship between a person and pet is very unique. I want to strongly recommend that those of our friends and family that lose a pet also need understanding, support and assistance with the grieving process.
There are many other situations that evoke stages of grief as much as a death, such as illness, disability, divorce and job loss. All of these situations are genuine losses in the lifestyle we worked hard to create. If we think about it, these "losses" may be harder to overcome than even a personal loss because eventually we will "adjust" to death but circumstances such as those listed above are not only life altering but often linger for one’s whole lifetime. We, as family members and friends, need to remember situations such as these are calls to us all to offer love, support and help as much as possible. This is the way of spirit and also a way of giving yourself.
Exercise one: Could you really have stopped death?
This may seem like an odd question but the truth is – Don’t we always go over every detail looking for something we might have missed that could have prevented death?
Exercise two: What are you grieving? A parent? A pet? A childhood gone or never really lived? Are you grieving for yourself and your lost potential?
Exercise three: Who are you angry at? Yourself for perhaps not "being there"? The person who died before amends could be made? The person who died for dying?
Exercise four: Do you believe it is wrong to adjust and begin to move forward? (Are you feeling guilty?)
The above questions should help you look at the many ways grief weaves itself into our every moment until we can be at peace with the loss. Because grief is so intense and all consuming, there is no one I know of who does not experience guilt when someone dies. But just because feeling guilt is usual does not make it healthy.
Work through the stages of grief as they need to be done but if guilt is preventing you from moving forward with the process, grief counseling is recommended.
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